I recently faced a challenge where, once again, I had to deal with my own personal demons.
What's up?
Liking myself for the past two decades hasn't always been a walk in the park. In fact, I find it to be one of the most taxing tasks most of the time. Subconsciously, it seems that boosting my self-esteem wasn't my cup of tea. These thoughts weren't so clear until I decided to finally put them somewhere I could turn to when things begin to go south again, or at least when it feels that way.
Whenever I experience emotional turmoil, it always feels like something inside me needs repairing, but I kept brushing it off under the rug for a very long time. It was only recently when I realized that those same things weren't really broken; instead, they were actually baggage I needed to unload. It took me baby steps to start and real commitment to continue. While trying to do so, I finally dealt with, and keep dealing with, what I consider the huge chunk of where it all came from. It was liberating, but I know it still requires a serious amount of work moving forward because the remnants of the past keep on haunting me.
Bring it on
I thought I needed to do something to combat that immense feeling again, so I researched the factors that affect one's self-esteem, and I came across three things that are considered the most relevant and perhaps the origin of the lack thereof:
What your same-sex parent did. It could be about our father's (for men) or mother's (for women) achievements as opposed to ours. We could feel inadequate just by seeing how well they do in life, or on the contrary, we could feel prouder by knowing they live below our own standards. Arguably, the former depletes one's morale depending on the quality of the relationship, while the latter adds up to some sort of toxic confidence, and both are not essentially good for our well-being.
What your peer group is up to. The same colleagues with whom we shared most of our joys in the past could also be the reason why we think too low of ourselves. Seeing them succeed in their careers, looking lean/fabulous, traveling to every part of the world, or basically achieving their goals could unintentionally (or perhaps, deniably) hurt us. It may seem like we are on the lower end of the spectrum as we ponder on these thoughts, which, in turn, keeps us apart from the same group over time. And yes, social media may be a culprit too.
What kind of love you received in childhood. Whether we received unconditional love or not when we were young determines how much love we are also capable of giving ourselves as we grow up. Some of us might have shouldered expectations from our own parents/guardians that weren't really necessary before being able to receive affirmation. Others grew up with scars from frequent trouble happening behind doors, making them feel lonely for a lengthy period. There are those who simply felt neglected and completely drawn-out from thinking they are valued. Ultimately, it varies from one's own personal experience, but it also doesn't mean that those who experienced it had awful caregivers in the past. Humans are made imperfect after all, and for all we know, they were just victims of their own childhood and only tried to give the best they could.
Among the three, the last bit is the hardest to overcome as the first two seem to be merely just side-effects of it. The good news is nothing is impossible for a person who thrives and keeps on going. It is also important to build a support system (i.e. environment) around you that fosters empathy and compassion. I am fortunate enough to have one in the form of my current team and the people dearest in my heart, especially my own family.
Takeaway
To those who have never gone through and struggled with these kinds of feelings, you are fortunate enough to have received the gift of relatively higher self-assurance. Please be patient with everyone you meet and thank you for understanding.
To those who share the same thoughts as mine, may this shed light and serve as a reminder that everything inside you is valid. In times of doubt, acknowledge how you feel first and learn to tap into the other side of your brain that is more capable of logical thinking and reasoning.
To those who have finally crossed that bridge, I celebrate with you. May you continue to inspire a lot of people by spreading how you became triumphant in your own ordeal.
With all these in mind, let's all take better care of ourselves, even more than we did yesterday.
Credits: The School of Life